Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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