Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
