the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize