you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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