Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
