I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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