i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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