I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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