thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize