I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
