I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
