So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
