I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
