There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Drunk is not a location!
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