Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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