home. puking in laundry basket.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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