when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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