btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize