Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
