I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
