How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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