I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
