he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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