im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you didnt know i had herpes?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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