WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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