My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
