my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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