Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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