It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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