Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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