i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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