I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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