I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
