i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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