do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
