We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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