i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
smell my finger.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize