I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
