Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
