Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
