but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
