i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wanna go halves on a baby?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize