My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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