Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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