we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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