the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I understand Curling. That high.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
