Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
