I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
