and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
