Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
