Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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