2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
