remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
