a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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