Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
