we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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