I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
