dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
