just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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