I looked at my own cervix.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
