she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
