my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
