I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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